I’m not a dangerously sexy,
mysterious Goth girl who spends her time performing black magic rituals. If you
saw me you probably wouldn’t look at me twice. I’m a graying, heavy-set,
middle-aged woman, the mother of a son who is rapidly nearing adulthood. I’m
one of those people that may be seen in the grocery store at odd hours wearing
sweats and no makeup, or my work clothes. I work as a patient care assistant.
By all appearances, I’m nobody particularly impressive. I’m just somebody that
the Universe decided should have the ability to talk to ghosts—a reluctant
medium.
Although I
have a natural ability to communicate with spirits, I rarely set out to do so.
I cannot control spirits. I can’t command them to talk to me or appear to me. I
don’t sit around in a dark room with a crystal ball or Ouija board trying to
invoke spirits. I intended to have brief contact with the spirit who helped me
write this book. It just happened that he felt comfortable talking to me.
Neither he nor I set out to write a book together. It just happened. Sometimes
I think this is a wonderful thing and other times I think it’s a curse. The book
would have been nowhere near as interesting without him and in some ways I’ve
felt far less alone since meeting him. Conversely, sometimes I feel more alone
than ever because I realize how few people will understand.
Some people
will think that I’m demonically possessed. While this has happened in the past,
it is a story unto itself and my noncorporeal friend has in fact protected me
from it happening recently. There are those who will say that he has possessed
me. There are spirits who have entered my mind in order to interact with me. He
doesn’t like to do this. He has never attempted to enter my mental circuits or
control or coerce me in any way. All work that I have done with him has been
100% mutual and the only difference between him and any of my other friends is
that he has no physical body. The discarnate author communicates with the
incarnate author via pure thought. Occasionally I will receive exact wording
from him, i.e. the “Dead is my mind” quote. More often, I receive a thought
that I recognize as his and put it into words. The incarnate author does not
act as a channel for the discarnate author. His consciousness never enters my
body. I act strictly as a medium or interpreter.
There are
those who will think that I/we are involved in “devil worship.” After years of
being accused of this by fundamentalist Christians in my youth, I’m not even
going to bother to be upset by this accusation or try very hard to refute it.
Both of us dabbled in this area. Sadly, his psychic defenses were so badly
damaged and he had so little support in getting mental or mystical help that
his own inner demons as well as any number of literal ones drove him to commit
suicide before he could be helped.
I studied the wisdom of the Holy
Qabalah long before it was popularized and subsequently made a mockery of by
certain celebrities whom I will be polite enough not to name. Qabalah taught me
that all religions have validity and it is only imbalanced fanaticism in
practicing these religions that gives rise to evil. I try to gain wisdom from
all pantheons and am polytheistic in my belief. I do not worship any deity or
power that brings negativity and deception to others. Fundamentalist Christians
who wish to believe I am going to Hell in a handbasket are free to do so, and I
will afford them the knowledge that I’m taking my Highway to Hell CD with me
for a good listen while I make my journey.
On the
other hand, there are those who purport to worship Satan and other negative
powers who will revile me for showing someone whom they have chosen as a sort
of icon to be less evil than they would like to believe him to be. I have never
experienced any part of his personality to be truly evil, nor, in fact,
actually insane. It is my belief that he suffered severe psychological trauma,
which caused a division in the various parts of his soul. The core personality
(Per) is psychologically stable though emotionally volatile. Dead is a
protector personality gone awry, but he isn’t truly evil either. He is
extremely angry and harbors deep feelings of betrayal and pain. In any case, my
experience has been that this icon of “evil” is hardly evil. He is an
intelligent and creative individual with a badly wounded psyche. There are
people whom this theory will anger. I have no particular need to appease them.
Extremists are, in my experience, impossible to reason with, and I’m too damn
old and tired to fight.
There are
those who will accuse me of simple, old-fashioned delusion or insanity. I do
have Type II Bipolar disorder, but this does not present with psychosis. The
only psychotic episodes I have experienced in my life have been due to
prescribed medications; painkillers on one occasion and antidepressants on the
other two. Any hallucinations that I experienced were due to use of drugs with
hallucinogenic properties; “street” drugs on some occasions and prescription
painkillers on others. These hallucinations never included seeing spirits. I
have in fact only seen one spirit. The others I have communicated with
psychically, sensing their thoughts and feelings. As for the hallucinations, I
saw friendly insects and animals, colorful plants and UFO’s on the “good” trips
and frightening creatures and demonic sub-humans on the “bad” trips. For those
who feel that my belief in spirit communication is due to mental illness, they
are welcome to their opinion as long as they realize that I’m mostly harmless
and have no desire to be “cured.” I always caution such people to be careful
not to feel too smug about holding onto perceived feelings of “superiority” to
the mentally ill (or physically handicapped.) You never know what your future
holds and compassion is never wrong, though it is wise to avoid being
patronizing with your expressions of compassion. Everyone appreciates sympathy.
Nobody likes to be treated as pitiful. There are also those people who believe
that I am honest in my assertions, though they do not believe that what I’m
saying is possible. I’m ok with that. I only ask that if you enjoy the story
you consider spreading the word!
There are
some in this world who are desperately searching for answers to troubling
situations. They may think that since I am able to communicate with spirits I can
gain an answer to individual or societal problems. I am not a prophet or healer
and I am certainly not a Messiah. I can read Tarot cards and have certain
clairvoyant and mediumistic abilities. I cannot necessarily contact with your
loved ones in the spirit world. The spirits who communicate with me tend to be
Earthbound humans adhering to the Universal law that like attracts like.
Earthbound humans tend to have been troubled in some way and have unfinished
business. They cannot offer salvation for the planet, nor for a given
individual. They are not angels, nor are they demons.
There are various deities, angels
and other supernatural beings used in this story. It is not our intent to
endorse or decry any particular religion. The incarnate author identifies
herself as a Qabalist Buddhist Wiccan. There is actually no contradiction in
these terms. The discarnate author has great disdain for organized religion, as
he feels that it generally leads to arrogance on the part of its devotees. If
labels must be applied, he finds terms such as “mystic,” or “metaphysician”
acceptable. (Or, apparently, ass-kicking wizard son-of-a-bitch. Oh boy. Now you
get an idea of what I’ve dealt with for the past year and nearly six months and
why my hair has grayed so!)
